Saturday, November 28, 2009

Marking a year

I was asked this morning if yesterday was a hard day for me. It took me a while before I realized why I should have been sad yesterday. The memories then came rushing back.

One year ago yesterday (black Friday) I snuck out to get donuts for Kevin. What I didn't tell him was that I was also going to be picking up a pregnancy test. I got back and set the donuts on the counter and was able to take the test while he was still showering. I surprised Kevin with the news that we were again blessed with a child! Number two was on its way. While not planned, we were overjoyed.

We blissfully celebrated the next few weeks before I started bleeding a week and a half before Christmas. It led us to the ER where my Mom and I stayed for a few hours waiting for news. We saw a precious heartbeat and were reassured that while there was a small tear in the uterine wall- things would likely be okay. The doctor reaffirmed that the baby would be just fine a few days after our ER trip. We praised God and the bleeding had mostly stopped.

Then came a call that they wanted to set up a follow up ultrasound on Christmas Eve and so we did. I remember telling Kevin that he wouldn't believe how little this baby was- we hadn't gotten to see Sophie until much later in our pregnancy. Most of you know how this story ends, as the u/s tech furrowed her brow and stayed silent- I had already seen the baby's body- broken in two and the heartbeat extinguished.

It was a hard holiday for us.

Until it was brought up this morning however, I hadn't thought about it at all. I truly think Christmas Eve will be much harder for us this year. But, if our precious one wasn't taken to be with God- we wouldn't have our Liam. Born October 13th, weighing in at 9 lbs 9oz.

When busy with our two blessings yesterday, how could I be down? There is a song that really hits home for me. It explains how we can be healed from the pain of losing a child. It reminds me who my healer really is.

"Healer" Kari Jobe

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease
I trust in you, I trust in you

I believe You're healer
I believe You are all I need

And I believe your my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me though fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe

Nothing is impossible for you
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible
You hold my world in Your hands